5 Things You Just Don’t Need To Know About Your Partner

#1: What they’re doing on social media. From a social media standpoint (seriously, I’ve made it my career), whether you’re a company or a regular ole joe, befriending more than three people per day is a red flag, too eager, and strange. So unless it’s OBVIOUS that your person is aggressively befriending and liking a bunch of randos you’re sure they’re still shadily meeting on Tinder, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

#2: A minute-by-minute play by play of a night out with their friends. Trust me. If you give room to breathe, you receive room to trust and isn’t trust the primary foundation of a solid relationship? If you don’t have it, take off your heels and run.

#3: Stories, whether short or detailed, about past relationships. I don’t care about Jenny. I don’t care how much you loved her or the way she broke your heart at prom. Okay, maybe I do because I love you and the thought of anyone hurting you makes me want to binge eat my feelings, but don’t make me get to that point. It’s just 30 minutes of Facebook stalking a girl who at this point probably works at Hair Zoo and has like, two kids, that I can’t get back.

#4: What’s really taking them so long in your bathroom. Again, this is for obvious reasons. “Are you okay in there?” Don’t ask questions. You won’t like the answers. Side note for men: This isn’t anything you announce, either. If you want to keep a girl around, don’t be “one of the guys” unless you’re exclusively around “the guys.” God, why did I leave the South? #gentsfordayz. I kid, I kid. But really: find yourself a gentleman.

#5: The number of people they’ve boned. For obvious reasons. 

Pop Culture

Unofficial Rules and Trends of The Bachelor

1. Start off with tragedy, right off the bat. “My name is Marissa. Someone I know died about a decade ago and I’m still recovering.”

2. When it comes to the first impression, a simple “hello” just won’t do. Make sure to first Google “how best to appear sexually frustrated” and tear up a little. If you can do a back flip, then by all means do so while crying.

3. Make sure to establish the fact that you aren’t here to make friends.

4. If you don’t want to be sent home the first night — make sure you aren’t a ginger.

5. Single parent just trying to make ends meet? No problem. You’ve already won the heart of America.  This also applies to small blondes with legal careers.

6. If you are clinically unstable, prepare to stick around for at least five episodes. That’s five ball gowns, five bikinis, and less than half your anti-anxiety prescription.

7. You have a one and three chance of making it to the end after your sexual escapade in the hotel suite. Should you choose to forgo the suite and enter your individual room, you have a 100% chance of a dramatic exit from the show.

8. You won’t be remembered unless you have an uncontrollable eyebrow, dream in cartoons, or swear a lot in the limo.

9.  You will foresee a future with The Bachelor by episode 2, and you’ll want the world to know.

10.  If you aren’t really into the guy, at least stick it out to the last episode. You’ll most likely just wind up as the next Bachelorette, expected to meet and date twenty five fine ass men.

11. The group date means he’s not into you. Continuous group dates are proof.

12. If you aren’t the outdoorsy type, you will get the one-on-one date to Siberia.

13. If you are afraid of heights, prepare to bungee jump.

14. If you are the worst case scenario for said Bachelor, prepare to win. Unless you are Catherine Giudici. Because homegirl is perfect.

15. If you win the Bachelor, prepare for divorce. Unless you are Sean and Catherine. We love you, Sean and Catherine.