Relationships

5 Things You Just Don’t Need To Know About Your Partner

#1: What they’re doing on social media. From a social media standpoint (seriously, I’ve made it my career), whether you’re a company or a regular ole joe, befriending more than three people per day is a red flag, too eager, and strange. So unless it’s OBVIOUS that your person is aggressively befriending and liking a bunch of randos you’re sure they’re still shadily meeting on Tinder, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

#2: A minute-by-minute play by play of a night out with their friends. Trust me. If you give room to breathe, you receive room to trust and isn’t trust the primary foundation of a solid relationship? If you don’t have it, take off your heels and run.

#3: Stories, whether short or detailed, about past relationships. I don’t care about Jenny. I don’t care how much you loved her or the way she broke your heart at prom. Okay, maybe I do because I love you and the thought of anyone hurting you makes me want to binge eat my feelings, but don’t make me get to that point. It’s just 30 minutes of Facebook stalking a girl who at this point probably works at Hair Zoo and has like, two kids, that I can’t get back.

#4: What’s really taking them so long in your bathroom. Again, this is for obvious reasons. “Are you okay in there?” Don’t ask questions. You won’t like the answers. Side note for men: This isn’t anything you announce, either. If you want to keep a girl around, don’t be “one of the guys” unless you’re exclusively around “the guys.” God, why did I leave the South? #gentsfordayz. I kid, I kid. But really: find yourself a gentleman.

#5: The number of people they’ve boned. For obvious reasons. 

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Relationships

The Real Friends with Benefits Relationship

sweet-old-coupleI’ve never been a fan of the “friends with benefits label” to describe two friends just casually having sex without commitment, and it’s because I don’t think such a relationship can successfully exist. You know how the story goes: boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they don’t get dinner together *~mmm, sexual euphemism~*, one or the other walks away with a broken heart, and it’s all because sex is personal and we weren’t made to just do it repetitively with the same person over and over without developing anything more than a hard-on or ever so polite lady-boner. Feelings, man, they’ll get you.

Personally, I think “friends with benefits” is a label much more suited for two people in an actual relationship, you know, the kind where boy or girl doesn’t leave the next morning and is instead asking you what you want for breakfast before heading to your parents house, or something like that. You’re lustful at the right times, loving during the others, and when it all comes down to it, you really are the best of friends. In other words, when you get to be friends with benefits, I think that’s when the real fun begins. But how do you know if you’ve gotten to that point yet? Behold:

When after sex, you not only get your snuggle on, but you high five. *That was awesome, that thing you did.* And you aren’t afraid to tell them how you like it.

You have each other’s wardrobe memorized. “Yeah, I’m wearing that one t-shirt from my third drawer. Not the first, since you said it looked tacky.” “Oh, the blue one with the weird pocket?”

You have your go-to restaurants, temporary food obsessions, and lists of the best places to order Chinese take-out.

Weird/gross habits become strangely endearing. “Can you pop this?” “You’re sick, but okay.”

You don’t have to be talking 24/7 to know you’ve got a solid foundation. In fact, you’ve at one point or another made fun of overly dependent relationships. “She called him four times between dinner and the bar asking what he was doing.” “She’s like a baby koala with attachment issues.”

Your combined dance moves are impeccable/on fleek. Okay, I just wanted to use the phrase “on fleek.” You caught me.

You geek out together, and typically with a Netflix binge of anything ranging from Game of Thrones to that weird documentary you’d be embarrassed to tell anyone else about.

You legitimately want the best for them, regardless of what that means for you.

You make lists, lots of lists, of things you want to do together. All things of course range from totally serious to utterly ridiculous. “Want to go to Boston next weekend?” “Yeah, sure. Remember how I told you that you get free Chik-fil-A if you dress up like a cow? Because, let’s do it.”

You aren’t afraid to tell them like it is. “You’re complaining about something for the sake of complaining. You’re bigger than that. Put on your big boy/girl pants and relax.”

You go to them for advice. They get you.

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Health and Wellness, Sex

Have Sex, Not a Heart Attack.

If you’re lame enough to need a pick up line to come anywhere close to a girl, try telling her that by having sex with you for more than just tonight, she can reduce her risk of dying from cardiac arrest…unless you’re seriously that horrendously ugly to the point where she looks at you the next morning and regrets her very decision  for being there in the first place. Because then, and only then, will she actually have a heart attack. Also, please don’t actually take that advice.

Recent studies from Tufts and Harvard are showing that those who engage in episodic sexual intercourse are more at risk of having a heart attack than those who do it regularly. Occasional sex raises the chance of having a heart attack by more than 2.5% in individuals who lack in proper exercise and diet. So let’s be real, that’s all of us — especially if you find yourself on grubhub.com more than once a week.

Those who have sex on a regular basis offset their chances of heart attack by 45 percent. So here are your options: Have more sex, or stay celibate. And judging by this campus, I’m guessing more sex is in everyone’s future, if not already. In all seriousness though, don’t be stupid. Wrap it up. No one here is majoring in babysitting.

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