5 Things You Just Don’t Need To Know About Your Partner

#1: What they’re doing on social media. From a social media standpoint (seriously, I’ve made it my career), whether you’re a company or a regular ole joe, befriending more than three people per day is a red flag, too eager, and strange. So unless it’s OBVIOUS that your person is aggressively befriending and liking a bunch of randos you’re sure they’re still shadily meeting on Tinder, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

#2: A minute-by-minute play by play of a night out with their friends. Trust me. If you give room to breathe, you receive room to trust and isn’t trust the primary foundation of a solid relationship? If you don’t have it, take off your heels and run.

#3: Stories, whether short or detailed, about past relationships. I don’t care about Jenny. I don’t care how much you loved her or the way she broke your heart at prom. Okay, maybe I do because I love you and the thought of anyone hurting you makes me want to binge eat my feelings, but don’t make me get to that point. It’s just 30 minutes of Facebook stalking a girl who at this point probably works at Hair Zoo and has like, two kids, that I can’t get back.

#4: What’s really taking them so long in your bathroom. Again, this is for obvious reasons. “Are you okay in there?” Don’t ask questions. You won’t like the answers. Side note for men: This isn’t anything you announce, either. If you want to keep a girl around, don’t be “one of the guys” unless you’re exclusively around “the guys.” God, why did I leave the South? #gentsfordayz. I kid, I kid. But really: find yourself a gentleman.

#5: The number of people they’ve boned. For obvious reasons. 


The Real Friends with Benefits Relationship

sweet-old-coupleI’ve never been a fan of the “friends with benefits label” to describe two friends just casually having sex without commitment, and it’s because I don’t think such a relationship can successfully exist. You know how the story goes: boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they don’t get dinner together *~mmm, sexual euphemism~*, one or the other walks away with a broken heart, and it’s all because sex is personal and we weren’t made to just do it repetitively with the same person over and over without developing anything more than a hard-on or ever so polite lady-boner. Feelings, man, they’ll get you.

Personally, I think “friends with benefits” is a label much more suited for two people in an actual relationship, you know, the kind where boy or girl doesn’t leave the next morning and is instead asking you what you want for breakfast before heading to your parents house, or something like that. You’re lustful at the right times, loving during the others, and when it all comes down to it, you really are the best of friends. In other words, when you get to be friends with benefits, I think that’s when the real fun begins. But how do you know if you’ve gotten to that point yet? Behold:

When after sex, you not only get your snuggle on, but you high five. *That was awesome, that thing you did.* And you aren’t afraid to tell them how you like it.

You have each other’s wardrobe memorized. “Yeah, I’m wearing that one t-shirt from my third drawer. Not the first, since you said it looked tacky.” “Oh, the blue one with the weird pocket?”

You have your go-to restaurants, temporary food obsessions, and lists of the best places to order Chinese take-out.

Weird/gross habits become strangely endearing. “Can you pop this?” “You’re sick, but okay.”

You don’t have to be talking 24/7 to know you’ve got a solid foundation. In fact, you’ve at one point or another made fun of overly dependent relationships. “She called him four times between dinner and the bar asking what he was doing.” “She’s like a baby koala with attachment issues.”

Your combined dance moves are impeccable/on fleek. Okay, I just wanted to use the phrase “on fleek.” You caught me.

You geek out together, and typically with a Netflix binge of anything ranging from Game of Thrones to that weird documentary you’d be embarrassed to tell anyone else about.

You legitimately want the best for them, regardless of what that means for you.

You make lists, lots of lists, of things you want to do together. All things of course range from totally serious to utterly ridiculous. “Want to go to Boston next weekend?” “Yeah, sure. Remember how I told you that you get free Chik-fil-A if you dress up like a cow? Because, let’s do it.”

You aren’t afraid to tell them like it is. “You’re complaining about something for the sake of complaining. You’re bigger than that. Put on your big boy/girl pants and relax.”

You go to them for advice. They get you.


5 Things To Do Instead Of Texting Your Ex

Photo, via MODC

Photo, via MODC

Nothing says “text your ex” quite like the lonely, desperate, and/or inebriated mind. Just when you’re vulnerable enough due to the whole “transitioning into adulthood with a 9-5 and coming home to an empty apartment every day” thing, your brain is there to mentally f— you.

Brain: “Now is a good time to get in contact with the guy you friend-zoned all throughout senior year. He’s probably still around. Better send a quick note to the ex of four years, too.”

Nope, bad idea. Trust the decisions you made when you weren’t sitting at home on a Friday night, scrolling through your contacts list hoping to land on someone you may have either overlooked, or broken up with. The decision to overlook or break up with them was a good one. How do I know this? Because something told you it was the right thing to do when you had it all together. And you’ll get there again, you lonely Lucy, you. It just takes accepting the fact that you’re going to be uncomfortable for a while. You’re on track to doing big things, and that doesn’t come by regressing.

So when that moment of desperation arises, and you’re playing ‘thumb war’ with your send button, keep in mind these few things you can do instead of make a fool out of yourself.

1. MOST IMPORTANT: Cheesy, but it helps: make a list of the reasons you broke up. Sometimes things don’t ‘stick’ unless you either say them out loud or write them down. We tend to forgive or look past all of a person’s less than shiny moments when we find ourselves having only like, two people and a pizza from down the street to talk to.

2. Tinder – Did I just say “instead of make a fool out of yourself“? To be fair, meeting someone new is a much better idea than what you had planned. Clearly, you’re craving some kind of attention. You’re human, and it’s natural. While some might argue that being lonely is no reason to get involved with anyone new, I say, who needs involvement? You might look at Tinder as seriously as a relationship app, or as loosely as a booty call app. For this example, try seeing it strictly as a way to meet people. That way, you withhold expectations. It gets you out of the apartment, gives you something to look forward to, and gives you a better reason than texting your ex, to look at your phone. A free drink may or may not be included.

3. – If meeting people who may be taking Tinder either more or less seriously than you are freaks you out, then try MeetUp. I mean, you’re wrestling with whether or not you should contact someone from your past, which makes me think that you’re bored to death in a new city. According to my super cool web analytic tools, that’s the majority of the Jules and Java audience. I;m sorry to call you out like that. MeetUp is a great networking tool for anyone new to an area looking to meet people, whether for professional or simply recreational reasons. You’ll find groups that range from “Physics nerds in D.C.” to “Bike Tours for Wine-Os”. There is something for everyone!

4. Schedule a Skype date with your old friends from college. That’s like, virtually face-to-face contact with another human!

5. Download the Dictionary app and search the definition of the word “insanity”.

Okay, I’m antsy. I’ll tell you what insanity means. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.


Reasons You Should Breakup

Okay, maybe you shouldn’t do anything drastic just yet. Have a little chat if anything here bothers you before you then consider any next steps. I think a lot of times we get too far ahead of ourselves in the chase that we forget about the things that really matter. Someone might look really good on paper, and they might check most things off the mental list you’ve got going on about the most desired qualities in a person, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re right for you.

(Photo, via iBizBook)

(Photo, via iBizBook)

1. I’m not really a phone person, but I know someone is worth pursuing when I can easily spend a good hour on the phone without realizing it. If you aren’t compatible with someone, you more than likely wouldn’t think to pick up the phone and have a lengthy conversation because you just don’t know what you would talk about. With that said, texting is your standard means of communication. “How’s your day been?” “Good n you?”

2. You find it easy to get aggravated because your person is on a whole different page when it comes to knowing how you’re feeling.

3. You don’t get along with each other’s friends/spend the majority of your time sitting at home binge-watching re-runs of TV shows as opposed to going out and being social as a couple.

4. For that matter, you haven’t quite figured out how to be social as a couple.

5. You find it easy to hold a grudge after fighting, and possess a lack of trust as a result. Hot and cold gets you nowhere. You’re either hot, warm, or steaming.

6. The past has to stay in the past. That means that any and all exes shouldn’t ever be topics of conversation, and they definitely shouldn’t be calling just to catch up. For the most part, when two people are done and moved on, they end means of communication both out of a strong disinterest and overall respect for a new partner.

7. You have to consistently drop hints of what it is you’re looking for, and you’re often let down. This can be anything from “Please clean up after yourself”, to “Why is it that we’ve been in a relationship for a year, and you still don’t know what I like in bed?”

8. You still feel the need to “check” their social media, from best friends on SnapChat to recent followings on Instagram.

9. You spend your time venting to your friends about shortcomings in the relationship.

10. You come home from a not so great day, and either they don’t know how to comfort you, or you just don’t want them to.


In a Relationship? Don’t Do These Things:

In order to have a successful relationship, it’s all about communication… right?

When it comes to relationships, effective communication is important. I think we can all agree with that one, as that’s basically what you’ll hear over and over again from couples… but there are some issues that come with communication that need to be addressed. I believe in successful relationships. I believe in happy relationships. I don’t believe in 100% happy-g0-lucky every minute of every day relationships, as people are people, and fights happen… but I do believe there are ways for couples to effectively communicate and get their individual points across without annoying the shit out of each other. Here are some tips of advice that come from my own personal experience, friends’ experiences, observations from random couples, and last but not least, any girls’ go-to bible: Cosmo.

So what kind of communication is good, and what kind of communication is bad?

The Silent Treatment: This is what we obviously call BAD COMMUNICATION. All this gets across to your boyfriend/girlfriend is “I am five years old. This is how five year olds deal with anger. Like it?” Sweetheart, that wasn’t even cute in grade school. In fact, it was just as annoying then as it would be today. If there’s something that you need to say, get it off your chest. Be calm, and say it. Keeping quiet only fuels your anger and leaves them confused. Why sit in your self-created silence when you can just let it go. The more you sit and wait to say something, the more anger will be built up toward the message you’re trying to get out. Also, it leaves a ton more time to over-analyze the situation. THIS is what will drive anyone crazy. The more thought and analyzing you put into it, the more of a train wreck you will become. All analyzing does is make you question everything. It’s not worth it. Take the situation for what it is and move forward. If you are the type of person that needs time to cool down, then cool down. Let them know you just need a little breather, you’ll be okay, and you’ll chat afterward. And most importantly: don’t be a bitch about it. (Unless absolutely deserved)

Ultimatums: You’re setting yourself up for failure here. If you’re giving any ultimatum, no matter which option they choose, you still lose. Ultimatums are a sign that you are throwing all of the responsibility into someone else’s hands rather than trying to work things out together. Relationships are 50/50, remember? If they choose to stay with you, at this point it’s either out of pity, or because they just don’t want to fight with you because it’s exhausting. If they choose to leave, you also obviously lose. (Especially if you thought they were going to choose to stay with you) So ultimatums are a huge no-no. If they are getting into something stupid you don’t agree with, something that puts them at their own personal risk (anything illegal, I don’t know), let them know. Tell them it bothers you. If they are too stubborn to stop doing whatever it is, don’t even give them the benefit of even having the option. Walk the fuck away.

“Whatever”: Nothing is just whatever. This word should never be a conversation ender. If you’re feeling something, SAY IT. This word accomplishes nothing other than pissing them off and making matters worse. You need to communicate effectively, and saying “whatever” isn’t going to cut it. Don’t ever intentionally try and piss off your significant other. That is not the way to get attention. If there is something you sincerely care about, and the person you’re fighting with isn’t understanding it the way you’d like them to, saying “whatever” only shuts you up. They aren’t going to sit there and try to figure out where you’re coming from if you don’t care enough to explain yourself.  In a recent Marist poll, 47% of Americans find the word “whatever” as the most annoying word in the English language, and rightfully so.

Bringing up the past: The past has that name for a reason; it’s the past. If you’ve forgiven someone for something, you have to let it go. If it’s something serious like cheating, then naturally it will always be in the back of your mind. You can’t help that you’re a forgiving person, right? But just remember “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”


The Best Revenge

Since I haven’t written anything in the “Relationships” section, I thought that in the spirit of everyone apparently breaking up right now, I’d write about the aftermath that follows any relationship. So, if you’ve recently been dumped, this is for you. Why? Because we’ve all been there.

You’re feeling worthless, stupid, maybe even a little embarrassed. No one enjoys being broken up with. You don’t just wake up one day and think “wow, I would just adore to have my heart broken this afternoon.” Certain places become emotional landmines. Certain television shows, certain movies, certain people, become “off-limits.” You’re angry and hostile and no one really wants to be around  you right now, aside from your friends — who sort of have to be. But let’s face it, your friends can only do so much. They can sit there and tell you that you deserve better, blah blah blah… but you’ve heard that from so many people already that if you hear it one more time you might hit someone. You want to get back at your ex for making you feel so shitty. So what do you do?

Photo Credit:

The best form of revenge you can get on your ex, believe it or not, isn’t punching them in the face, or finding someone else, or even going psycho and hiring a hit person. So chill out, crazy. I know it feels like the end of the world, but consider what happened a favor. Also, don’t post pictures of yourself on Facebook whoring it out. Not only is it obvious that you’re doing it for attention, but you look stupid and desperate. Be classy. The best form of revenge you can have on an ex is success. It doesn’t matter where you are in your life right now — it’s about where you’re ending up. So stop sulking and feeling sorry for yourself. Show whoever it is that hurt you that you aren’t just going to sit there and take it. Brush it off, and make something great from a shitty situation. That way, instead of wasting three months and only having tears and failed classes to show for it, use your anger as your motivation to keep going. Push yourself, and make something of yourself instead of a basket case. Don’t give an ex the satisfaction of knowing you’re hurting. It only boosts their ego in the long run. My best advice to go about being successful, is to keep busy. Get a part-time job, join a gym, surround yourself with friends, catch up with old ones, TALK to people. Don’t become a hermit. Because then, not only do you look like an asshole, but you’re not helping yourself even if that’s “just how you deal with things.” Get up and get moving. Don’t let a breakup be the reason why you’re missing out on anything. I REALLY hate being cliche, but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. As a friend once told me, people are only in your life long enough to learn from. Once you’ve learned all you can from that person, that is when things like break ups happen. Each boyfriend/girlfriend you have teaches you something, whether you want to admit it or not. (Eventually, you will). So make yourself proud. Go out and kick the living shit out of life.

Here’s to being successful. I’ll cheers to that!



Thats the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fucking life -Chuck Palahnuik