Rant

Unofficial Guide to Being a Woman

1. Top Coat. ALWAYS top coat.
2. Handwrite thank-you notes for anyone deserving of gratitude.
3. Never leave the house without twenty dollars, mascara, and ChapStick.
4. Moisturize!
5. Learn the basics of golf.
6. Never mistake politeness for flirting. And never mistake flirting for politeness.
7. Day-to-day full-faced makeup is unfair to your skin… as well as morning after guests.
8. As with the bathroom, it is OK to go to a movie alone.
9. Dead weight comes in the form of emotionally unavailable men. Hear me now, remember me later.
10. “If you have to cry, go outside.” — Kelly Cutrone
11. If you have to go cheap somewhere, don’t let that be with your bra or your watch.
12. Speaking of bras, repeat after me: “There is little I can’t do with a good bra and coffee.”
13. Personalized stationery is an at-home office staple.
14. Kitten heels are the mullet of footwear. Refrain, Grandma.
15. Victoria’s Secret anything is not meant to be worn during a public outing. Sweatpants are for the home. End of story.
16. Elle in the streets, Cosmo in the sheets.
17. Whether it’s to impress or to be a better skill-equipped traveler, learn to drive stick.
18. Knowing you like wine isn’t knowing about wine. Know about wine.
19. Keep better relationships with your siblings. If that means you’re the glue of the family, you’re the glue of the family.
20. “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have any books, don’t f*** them.” —John Waters
21. If you’re really interested, text first.
22. Never cancel dinner plans over text.
23. It doesn’t matter if it’s on for fifteen seconds or fifteen minutes—never mismatch lingerie.
24. What happened in college stays in the “do not go there unless with college friends” category of your brain.
25. Little. Black. Dress(es).
26. Keep your friends close and your enemies in high school.
27. A not-so-great guy will come along and you’ll need to know the difference between the first-date proposal of “Let’s get dinner” and “Want to come watch a movie?”
28. A really-so-great guy will also come along and will appreciate your judgment call ^.
29. If it seems too good to be true, taste. Do not eat.
30. Have a signature scent that doesn’t have “Bath and Body Works” slapped across the label.
31. Never show up to a party empty-handed.
32. There is a difference between “bossy” and “bitchy.”
33. Say “yes” to the date invitation you aren’t so sure about. You’re likely to be surprised, even if that only makes for a good story.
34. If you don’t have it in green, you don’t have it at all. Get yourself out of credit-card debt.
35. Don’t treat your love life like a resume.
36. If you’re cutting one thing out of your day due to not having enough time, let that be with ANYTHING but the gym. Your health comes first.
37. Don’t waste $35 lipstick on the guy who turns his phone over when you’re together.
38. “There is no polite way to get out of a taxi.” False.
39. Don’t listen to biased news reporting. Be an informed consumer. Respect the reporting that allows you to form your own opinion.
40. Experience is worth more than material gifts.

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Rant

Subway Grievances

Though faster than walking and cheaper than a cab, the subway proves each and every day to be the bane of my existence. Sometimes a girl just wants to hop in her car, turn on bad country and pretend she’s a Carrie Underwood/Faith Hill hybrid, loved and adored by millions. But when your morning commute to work consists of getting to and riding the subway, the smooth ride and country dream is far from attainable.

1. The Walk: There is nothing more irritating than a slow walker.

2. I lied ^. Multiply that slow walker by two, waddling side by side in anything that isn’t a straight line.

3. Why is it that the girl with the biggest, most cottage cheese looking back side has to plant her ass on either side of a poll? People have to hold onto that. You’re gross. Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 5.44.02 PM 4. If your backpack is the reason I can’t get inside the train on time…. I probably won’t do anything because I’m not on board. But know that I’m wishing death upon you and yours.

5. Getting sick is inevitable. I won’t hate you for coughing, I won’t hate you for sneezing. But if you’re breathing like an asshole, explode your schnoz into your hand and grab back onto the poll, you deserve it.

6. You might hate the guy asking everyone to move in because the middle section of the train is empty, but to be honest, I kind of love that guy. I get that guy.

7. Bed bugs. There are bed bugs on the 6 train. That is all.

8. Flirting. It’s just not cool if you’re my dad’s age, need a breath mint, and don’t know how to sit like a normal human being. But if you’re above six feet, have a job, and look like Liam Hemsworth, call me baby. Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 5.23.16 PM 9. About a month ago, a very confused woman sat on my lap. THIS IS NEVER OKAY. Unless you’re old or pregnant, I’m just not getting up for you. Understand that, and don’t force a relationship with me that I’m just not ready for.

10. Strollers. About 10 times as annoying as oversized backpacks, with the addition of a kid that smells like poop.

11. The doors don’t close when you don’t fit on the subway. GET OFF AND TRY AGAIN.

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Relationships

Digital Infidelity

Let’s just jump right into this:

Are your back burners, whether on social media or in real life, making you a terrible person?

SOcialMediaBackburnerGetting involved with someone new, or even getting back together with someone from your past is a pretty exciting, yet ridiculously vulnerable time for most people. Each party sort of vies for the upper hand, being able to at the end of the day feel as if though no matter what, they are desired, and they are desired more than they desire the other person. (We are really f—– up, by the way). So when that overwhelming feeling of “I am really into this person/Hope it’s reciprocated/Am I imaging something that doesn’t exist?” hits you like a ton of bricks, you tend to set your temporary, almost meaningless sights on back burners. Back burners are either ex flames, people met in bars whose numbers you purposely didn’t lose, and/or the nightly pickings from the dating apps that are becoming less and less taboo. The commonality amongst all of these options, however, is that if worse comes to worse with your current partner, any one of these people could account as a Plan B.

You might be calling this shady, and you might be shaking your head saying “God Julia, that’s so wrong.” First of all, I’m not saying that I’m someone who’s messing around with this, though I understand where it comes from. Second of all, my purpose in writing this blog is to get the conversation going, talk things out, all while sounding moronic so that you don’t have to. So personally, I think we need to take a look into why we feel the need to sort of “employ” a back burner in the first place. Is it that we feel like we’re not getting something from our partners? Are we jaded from some failed past relationship? Or is it just what Jill’s doing so we should probably follow suit because Jill always comes out on top? F—–g Jill. She was also the first of the group to get a Prada bag.

I think we just enjoy having options. It could also stem directly from a self esteem issue that could have been the result of a failed relationship, but aren’t I always the first one to tell you that you have to let that shiz go? *Cue Idina Menzel* It’s nice to have options because we have room to mess up. If Plan A doesn’t work out, we don’t have to free fall into pints of ice cream and romantic comedies. All it takes is a quick and creepy Facebook message “Hey, you’re my favorite thing to look at when I’m pretending to be Googling investment tactics” and voila! Plan B, gainfully employed.

That’s how we imagine it will work out, at least. In reality, what it really does is cause a rift. You start to withhold trust from one another, walk on egg shells, relationship fails, and then you wonder why you feel like you constantly need a backup. I get that the thought of putting all our eggs in one basket seems terrifying, especially when put like that, but for the love of all things holy, at some point you have to just go full force. Otherwise, you will keep parading through these half a—d relationships in search of something that might just be right in front of you.

Most of us in living in the digital world find things out. It no longer takes the employment of the CIA to be savvy enough to figure out that a partner is attempting to turn up the heat somewhere else. Please don’t be stupid.

Here’s my advice: Either suck up that vulnerability because it’s all in your head, or if it’s something you know is happening for real (example: seeing it firsthand on Facebook), then put on your big boy/big girl pants and strut away.

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Food

Why I Can’t Diet

Junior year of college, I worked at Victoria’s Secret. I thought, HOW COOL it would be to work at one of my favorite stores, selling lingerie and getting that sweet discount for myself and the no-boyfriend I had throughout the year. *crickets* It was a great gig through which I made great friends, but there was one common frenemy amongst us all: the Angels. Yeah, you work it Behati. And Adriana, my girl: it doesn’t matter if your mate requires an engineering degree to take that contraption I’m supposed to know more about, off. He’s going to do it anyway! Why? Because you’re all ungodly gorgeous. So gorgeous, that my constantly having to walk past you from Bra Room 1 to Bra Room 3 is reason enough to purposely avoid the #3 special at Star Buffet on my lunch break. (Chinese, if you haven’t guessed).

Which sucked, by the way. I love MSG.

Anyway, I lost a lot of weight that year. And before you lose your shit and tell me I’m beautiful the way I am and shouldn’t compare myself to the likes of Victoria’s Secret Angels, I’m saying that they simply acted as catalysts for a healthier (much healthier) lifestyle. I sought after a nutritionist, improved my work out, fed the work out, and noticed major positive changes happening what seemed like all at once.

But all that was before I discovered the following:

1. Chipotle.

2. That one does not simply walk into Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s without dropping last week’s paycheck.

3. Pumpkin Spice Latte: It’s back, and it’s earlier than ever. Knock-off natural pumpkin flavor is kind of what I’m living for these days.

4. I have a personal vendetta against all that is gluten-free. Suddenly everyone and their mother is allergic, can’t even define what gluten actually is, and I’m the one getting funny looks because I’m ordering pasta sans health buzzwords? Please.

5. That according to my doctor, I’m terribly underweight and should do my best to gain some more. *April Fool’s*

6. Taco Bell breakfast is actually delicious. Judge me or join me.

7. The Ramen Burger (recipe to follow)

8. Essentially this is all because I live in New York City and can’t walk down a block without running into at least three foodie establishments.

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Rant

Things Ex-Accutane Users Will Understand

The first problem is that your bad skin is putting quite the damper on your self esteem.

JanBradyGIFYou’ve heard things like, “wash your face” or “just throw on some makeup.”

ChelseaHandlerGifBecause it’s not like you’ve tried every soap, topical, scrub, gel, mask there ever was.

NicholasCageGIFAnd anytime celebrities tell you they’re “just like you” and show their faces on Proactiv commercials, you’re all:

ElleWoodsGIFBut one day, you ask your doctor about Accutane, and suddenly you see the light.

WOWgifAnd Doc is all, “you must either be on two forms of birth control, or pledge to keep abstinent throughout the duration of your time on Accutane.

JaneGIFBut you agree, because: clear skin.

SASSThen your journey to sex appeal begins.

Crawying

You begin to hoard Aquaphor like it’s going out of style. Why? Because your lips, nose, and surrounding mouth area become dryer than your sex life.

camelsYou also have to get your blood drawn every month, which is a process you’ve mastered by immediately taking to water like:

cat water gifAnd sometimes, on a Tuesday night when nothing’s actually wrong, you experience all the emotions.

holdmegifUnless that reason is that your friends all want to go out drinking

notfairgifOr lay out.

portlandia-lily-whiteYou start bringing handfuls of tissue everywhere you go, out of fear of incessant nose bleeding. And every time it happens, your friends watch on like:

UNGHYour hair isn’t necessarily drier, but let’s just say that “greasy hair” is no longer one of your concerns. In fact, your hair is pretty much the best thing about you right now.

doghairBut when that day comes, and you’ve done your time, you wake up like this:

Beyonceee

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Coffee, Rant

10 Things Starbucks Addicts Can Relate To

Really, how sick of my coffee posts are you? I get it. Most of what I post in Jules and Java is like, dreadfully basic. But that’s kind of what you signed up for when you clicked on a blog with subject heads that read “Sex, Relationships, and Coffee.” Why I didn’t just name this thing “Sex and Coffee” is beyond me, but “Jules and Java” has more of that flow avid bloggers tell you to create. At least, I think it does.

Anyway, if you’re anything like me, and can’t go a day or two without your green straw fix, this post is for you.

1. Manicure, pedicure, glass of wine, sex, Starbucks coffee. It’s all relative. Having a bad day? Pick up a cold one.

2. At some point, you’ve wondered whether or not there is there an award of some sort, or at least a bullet point you can add to your resume for how quickly it is you can down a Venti iced drink. Because that s— is impressive.

3. Long lines never intimidate you too terribly. You’ve grown confident in your barista’s ability to get you where you need to be on time, with the right drink.

4. You have a hard time committing to most things that aren’t caffeinated and lack essential nourishment, and your Starbucks Gold Card is there to constantly remind you of that. “Congratulations, you’ve been a member for two years. That’s longer than any relationship you’ve had with a human!”

5. You’re more aware of the actual ingredients in whatever seasonal drink you decide to put in your body, but possible carcinogens or not, you can’t be bothered. Bring it, Pumpkin Spice.

6. Your bank statement indicates that you’ve contributed to the “Starbucks isn’t poor but keep funding” fund at least every day this week.

7. You’re an intimate action away from actually being in a relationship with your barista. They know your name, they know what you like, they know what ails you on Mondays.. it’s modern love.

8. Your Dunkin friends call you snobby, ignorant, etc. and you’d get offended if you weren’t already aware that they’re just making up for their own shortcomings. You can’t help that you have good taste. Gawd.

9. When a customer ahead of you pronounces one of the sizes wrong, you can’t help but feel a little agitated. “Grahn-day, not Grand, idiot.”

10. Any and all CDs you’ve purchased since 2009 have been the ones you’ve graced upon entering the front of the line at Starbucks. It’s always the bands “good enough to actually purchase their album”, in your humble opinion.

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Relationships

“Am I… In a Relationship Right Now?”

DatingtwomanyIf there is one question  common to most college age and post grad daters, it is definitely whether or not one is actually in a relationship, like, right now. Back in high school, a relationship was pretty much inevitable after one sloppy date at a movie theatre and a night of hand holding. Then came in the question of, “Will you be my girlfriend?” We cut to the chase pretty quickly, if not instantaneously. It’s not like every 16 year old male really had a thing for Chasing Liberty. No, he took you to see that movie to get some tongue action and presents on his birthday. I mean, your personality was probably great, too.

Once college comes around though, dating gets trickier. I’m still deciding whether or not this is a millennial issue, or simply just a trend amongst college party animals. (I see you, Syracuse.) The definition of an actual date in these glory days typically fluctuates between pre-gaming together and getting fro-yo. As a freshman, the idea is still in the back of your head that someone somewhere is going to want to take you to dinner, split the tip with you out of politeness, and from then on you’ll be hanging out all the time and sooner or later introducing one another to roommates, friends, and family alike as “the boyfriend/girlfriend.” That mindset quickly shifts, though. You can’t help but notice the short lived romances and high school breakups happening amongst your friends. “There are so many more options, why commit to just one person?” Because then you find yourself wondering whether or not your occasional hookup is technically considered cheating on your steady hookup – you’ve never been on a date, but somehow, someone gets hurt.

These days, *bless you, post grad life* a lot of us find ourselves going out on dates – a lot of dates. And, we have modern day dating apps to thank for much of that success.

Technically, you can be getting dinner with Billy tonight, Joe tomorrow, and maybe brunch with Steven on Sunday. With no exchange of naked bodies after a heart to heart regarding a potential relationship, I’d say this is perfectly normal. The hard part is when you start to like someone, want to spend more time with them, and know perfectly well that they could be doing the same thing. Again, there is nothing wrong with it. Does it make knowing where the two of you stand a little difficult? Sure does.

You don’t want to give up seeing other people when you have no idea what the other person is doing, so you start to wonder if the “DTR” talk is needed. I feel like 95% of the time, defining the relationship unintentionally happens months after spending time together. It doesn’t even have to be anything you say out loud, but you start to realize it when the majority of that person’s free time is spent with you, and when it’s not, they’re asking when the next time you’re free is. This of course then leads into knowing when the appropriate time would be to start introducing one another as more than a friend. You’ve probably been there; you’re at a party, someone looks at your person quizzically and all you can muster up is, “This is my friend, blah blah blah.” SO uncomfortable. There is never a clear way to go about it, especially after not first having that talk.

In terms of there needing to be a specific number of dates that has to happen before you’re considered a “sign the card together” couple, it takes more than “a few here and there.” Once you’re meeting the people most important in your person’s life, attending events together, and perhaps playing Doctor, then I’d say it’s safe to bet that you are most certainly in a relationship.

My best advice would be not to rush. Keep your expectations low because in the best case scenario, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Worst case, you didn’t have much invested anyway.

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