sexsomniaNothing but a wall separates your side of the room from your roommate’s. She’s managed to avoid her usual late night rendezvous with the stud from the hockey house, and you’re guessing she’s not happy about it — but you aren’t about to bring it up. You have beauty rest to attend to. And while you might be the roommate always sleeping alone, at least…

Well, I can’t even finish that sentence.

Anyway, although you’re certain she’s gone to bed alone, you suddenly hear something coming from her side of the room that sounds a lot like it’s requiring the help of another person. (And now you feel like you need to put a scrunchie on the door and walk yourself out.)

But when you realize that you’re roommate is legitimately alone and sound asleep, all signs should be pointing to Sexsomnia.

What the?

I don’t need to be the first one to tell you that much like eating and drinking, sex is a primal impulse. And sometimes, this primal impulse doesn’t necessarily require our alert attention. Sometimes, all it requires is sleep.

Yes, you read it right — sleep.

About 4% of the population has sex completely asleep.

This kind of “gratification”, if you will, can be either spicy for relationships, or completely destructive. Sufferers of sexsomnia will have masturbated, fondled, had sex with a partner, and/or moaned loudly all night, without having even a slight recollection of it the next morning.

What causes it?

Your primal urges are stored in your brain stem. These urges are ultimately controlled by your brain’s cortex, which basically prevents you from bitch slapping a police officer after writing you a ticket, even if it’s what you feel like doing at the moment. Unfortunately, this little “hall monitor” of urges rests as you rest, leaving your brain stem up and running during the night. Which means that if you happen to be having a naughty dream, you could very easily get turned on and act upon what’s playing out in your dirty little mind.

According to Michel Cramer Bornemann, M.D., sleep forensics expert and Director of the Minnesota Regional Sleep Disorder Center, “The brain stem is located very close to the sleep center of the brain and an impulse can misfire. If the sleep center accidentally picks up that “let’s get it on” signal, the next thing you know, you’re not just dreaming about sex, you’re acting on that urge.”

In context:

This primal urge is sometimes triggered just from sharing a bed with someone else. So it’s no surprise that Sexsomnia has been used lately as a legal defense in several rape cases. In fact, because of this little fact of how well your urges can lead to action, this defense has stood its own in court.

But in order for such a defense to actually stand, the jury must be presented with evidence of:

1. The defendant previously suffering from parasomnias.

2. The act not being planned or sought out.

3. No “covering of tracks” after the act — a.k.a., the defendant has no recollection of it happening.

Scary, huh?


Any Sex Having Human Should Carry Condoms, End of Story

There are between 50 to 200 non-virgins per fraternity and/or sorority house getting laid every weekend. And that’s just Greek Life. Now, take into consideration the amount of non-greek affiliated students dicking around, and you’ve got yourself quite the incestuous little brothel we call a campus.

So when it comes down to that “did you bring one?” moment: who exactly should be bringing one?

Given the fact that it most certainly takes two to tango, it shouldn’t be weird for a girl to have a handful of condoms on her. But, that’s not to say she should have a complete smorgasbord of various brands, colors, textures and flavors all in alphabetical order and in half empty boxes — and neither should he. That’s just tacky. Remember, condom packs are divisible by three. If yours is not, don’t put that dwindling box on display for your partner (male or female) to see. Nothing kills the mood like flaunting how much P or D you’re getting on the side. For those ten to sixty minutes, your partner should feel like they’re the only ones in the world — regardless of whether or not that’s even true.

Some women feel that because it’s the guy who has to wear the condom, he should be the one to have to buy it. I understand the principle of what they’re trying to convey, but in the end, it’s your body and you should be selfish enough to take care of it. I shouldn’t have to tell you that not everyone is going to keep your best interest in mind, especially considering that many people say that sex without a condom is much more enjoyable than with a condom.

ANYONE who is planning, or even not planning, on having sex, should carry condoms. If not for yourself, do it for a friend and/or roommate in a pinch that would just end up bare-boning it if not for you. Save them the potential kid, bills, headache, and possible STDs due to a night of drunk uninhibited lust, or just plain stupidity.

But with respect to the title of this article, I’ll address the ladies.

Reasons why you should always carry condoms:

1. You choose what you use: This means that if you really like the ribbed kind, you can get the ribbed kind. (Because styles like that are all about you, not him.)  If you don’t want to be using a sketchy brand out of one of those condom vending machines in your dorm’s bathroom, you don’t have to use the sketchy brand from the vending machine in your dorm’s bathroom.

2. You know where the condoms came from: This is not to say that guys don’t know how to properly take care of condoms/don’t know how to read expiration dates. This just gives YOU that extra sense of security when you can avoid that post-sex stress of wondering whether or not it was previously left in a wallet or glove compartment for over a year.

3. Self-check-out lanes: You can avoid the “embarrassment” and “awkwardness” of buying condoms in a grocery store via self-check-out at either Wegmans or Tops. I swear these things were invented for condom buying. If you really need to use this option, by all means go for it. But remember, you should never feel embarrassed for knowing that you take care of yourself. You can also get them FOR FREE at Health Services — which I know sounds a little intimidating, being that many students are AT Health Services and might run into you stocking up for your weekend rendezvous, but I have seen frat boys literally pour boxes of condoms into their backpacks, so please: do not be embarrassed.

4. Help a friend: As I said before, you could be the reason your friend isn’t a mother or father at age 21.

Play safe.


The Sex Myths You Shouldn’t Believe

1. Size Matters: Ask him. He’ll be able to tell you the exact length because he cares that much about how long it is. But does it matter? While having something smaller than three inches is a serious halt in any escapade, anyone with real experience will tell you that it’s about how it’s used, as well as an overall enthusiasm he has for the act(s). Which means: if you’re a complete dead beat with a package that would make Jenna Jameson blush, good for you, but it’s kind of a waste.

*If you’re looking to determine how big a man’s member is without undoing your pants or his, a team of Korean scientists might be able to help you out.

2. Pregnancy happens either immediately or never: Sperm can live for up to a week in the reproductive tract after sex. So if you’re one of those crazies that sleeps around often, you might want to space things out a bit so as to avoid ending up on The Maury Show. And by space things out, I don’t just mean your legs. Although, you should probably practice using the word no.

3. Oral sex is safer than vaginal sex: From average citizens to Bill Clinton, people misconstrue oral sex to be kind of a “free pass” in terms of sexual relationships. Sometimes, it is. But, I don’t need to be the one to tell you that fluids are exchanged in this process. You can get an STD through sores or small cuts in your throat and mouth.

4. Men enjoy sex more than women do: False. They just don’t enjoy sex with you, specifically. Everyone has a sexual appetite. The difference? Woman seek someone sexually competent enough to be able to bring them to that toe-curling moment, where some men just need an attractive female with a mouth. In her study, Terri Conley, a University of Michigan psychologist, found that women are no less likely to be down for some sexy time as long as it is a safe situation (rape-free), and with a competent partner. “The difference wasn’t in the expected commitment, but in how much harder it is to bring a woman to orgasm.” Guys know that if she agrees to go upstairs, they’re getting it. Women orgasm 35% as often as men in first encounters. So the mentality here is, why waste the time when all we’re going to get out of it is dirty sheets?

5. Masturbation causes blindness: All I’m saying is that you wouldn’t be able to read what I’m saying right now if this were true.

Relationships, Sex

Shallow Dating, Millionaire Matchmaker

I’ve caught myself lately tuning into “Millionaire Matchmaker”, a show on Bravo that does exactly what the title suggests. Mere mortals, like myself, who have a lot less than a million dollars to their names, are given the opportunity to be hooked up with millionaires, who for some reason couldn’t find love for themselves. But I guess when you happen to be CEO of a multimillion dollar corporation, anything more than a one night stand isn’t exactly something you might have at the top of your wish list.

As much as I make the show my guilty pleasure, I’m no idiot. I know that the concept is disgustingly shallow. There is no way a person would sign themselves up to be a potential boyfriend or girlfriend to these millionaires if all of they had to rely on was their looks. Why? Because while half of them are actually atrocious, most have dry personalities, and some are complete train wrecks.

And speaking of train wrecks, meet Robin. (Scroll to :40)

The problem Robin faces is a problem many of us, both men and women face everyday. Well, those of us that admit to sometimes being shallow. See, the “plumber” that Robin won’t shut up about was actually a sexy decoy. He was put in the cocktail party to prove the point that sometimes, regardless of how obviously wrong a person is for you, if they happen to look similar to Brangelina, nothing else matters. You’re blindsided.

No one can really deny that the man in comparison to the others was not just the best of a bad situation, but actually sort of good looking. (The show is just shallow all around, because he was totally only there for her money) But he stood out. And come to find out, he was a goddamn plumber, talked about unclogging toilets, and admitted to being a douchebag to women. Not trying to say that the world doesn’t need plumbers, but for a girl who is obsessed with pink and all things fabulous, there is no way in hell she would go for a plumber had he not looked like the one in the show. BUT because he was beautiful, all of a sudden little miss millionaire is infatuated with plumbers, toilets, and assholes. That shit cray.

My advice is just to be smart about who you get yourself involved with. I don’t need to be the trillionth person to tell you that looks fade. Sure it’s nice to have a super sexy boyfriend or girlfriend, but if you have no connection aside from penis entering vagina, it won’t last. You want someone who is also your friend. Personally, if a guy can’t make me laugh, it’s over before it even begins. I can be as immature as I can be mature, and I like a guy who can do the same. He doesn’t need to be a millionaire, he doesn’t need to drive a Maserati, he doesn’t have to look like a chiseled Greek god, and if he happens to be a plumber, whatthefuckever. Be my friend. Make me laugh. Some quality “night time” skill wouldn’t hurt either.


Top Model Contestant Doesn’t Like Semen

When one’s virginity is questioned, the usual defending response goes along the lines of either respecting one’s religious beliefs, or quite simply… just wanting to wait for the right person. BUT Kendal, a contestant of America’s Next Top Model Season 15, had different thoughts on the subject. And no, it had nothing to do with faith or spirituality…but everything to do with being a “germaphobe”. Check it out.


Introducing: The Spray-On Condom

Photo Credit:

Jan Vinzenz Krause, a German inventor, has solved every man’s issue with condom wrappers. Why spoil the mood unwrapping the thing when you can simply, spray it on? Well, I’ll tell you right now, because it’s freakin’ weird. But, I’ll provide the information anyway. It’s especially handy for the not-so-endowed men we might run into at frat parties, so they should especially pay attention. You don’t have to feel embarrassed when buying the smaller sized condoms at the drug store, because the spray is, essentially, one size fits all. If you are well endowed, and want to brag about it, then you can continue buying your magnum condoms.

So how does it work? The man puts his “friend” in a chamber, presses a button, and liquid latex is sprayed onto him. It takes 20 seconds now, but Krause is working on a way to make it only 10 seconds. Personally, I think it would just be a major turn-off if he rolls over and sticks it in something that’s not you… but it’s whatever floats your boat. Either you waste time ripping a wrapper, or waste about ten seconds sticking it in a colorful rubber chamber. It’s up to you.

Anyway, it comes off as a regular condom would, just roll it off. I guess the only question I really have is — is this kid even getting laid?

Health and Wellness, Sex

Have Sex, Not a Heart Attack.

If you’re lame enough to need a pick up line to come anywhere close to a girl, try telling her that by having sex with you for more than just tonight, she can reduce her risk of dying from cardiac arrest…unless you’re seriously that horrendously ugly to the point where she looks at you the next morning and regrets her very decision  for being there in the first place. Because then, and only then, will she actually have a heart attack. Also, please don’t actually take that advice.

Recent studies from Tufts and Harvard are showing that those who engage in episodic sexual intercourse are more at risk of having a heart attack than those who do it regularly. Occasional sex raises the chance of having a heart attack by more than 2.5% in individuals who lack in proper exercise and diet. So let’s be real, that’s all of us — especially if you find yourself on more than once a week.

Those who have sex on a regular basis offset their chances of heart attack by 45 percent. So here are your options: Have more sex, or stay celibate. And judging by this campus, I’m guessing more sex is in everyone’s future, if not already. In all seriousness though, don’t be stupid. Wrap it up. No one here is majoring in babysitting.