Relationships

5 Things You Just Don’t Need To Know About Your Partner

#1: What they’re doing on social media. From a social media standpoint (seriously, I’ve made it my career), whether you’re a company or a regular ole joe, befriending more than three people per day is a red flag, too eager, and strange. So unless it’s OBVIOUS that your person is aggressively befriending and liking a bunch of randos you’re sure they’re still shadily meeting on Tinder, you probably don’t have anything to worry about.

#2: A minute-by-minute play by play of a night out with their friends. Trust me. If you give room to breathe, you receive room to trust and isn’t trust the primary foundation of a solid relationship? If you don’t have it, take off your heels and run.

#3: Stories, whether short or detailed, about past relationships. I don’t care about Jenny. I don’t care how much you loved her or the way she broke your heart at prom. Okay, maybe I do because I love you and the thought of anyone hurting you makes me want to binge eat my feelings, but don’t make me get to that point. It’s just 30 minutes of Facebook stalking a girl who at this point probably works at Hair Zoo and has like, two kids, that I can’t get back.

#4: What’s really taking them so long in your bathroom. Again, this is for obvious reasons. “Are you okay in there?” Don’t ask questions. You won’t like the answers. Side note for men: This isn’t anything you announce, either. If you want to keep a girl around, don’t be “one of the guys” unless you’re exclusively around “the guys.” God, why did I leave the South? #gentsfordayz. I kid, I kid. But really: find yourself a gentleman.

#5: The number of people they’ve boned. For obvious reasons. 

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Relationships

The Real Friends with Benefits Relationship

sweet-old-coupleI’ve never been a fan of the “friends with benefits label” to describe two friends just casually having sex without commitment, and it’s because I don’t think such a relationship can successfully exist. You know how the story goes: boy meets girl, girl meets boy, they don’t get dinner together *~mmm, sexual euphemism~*, one or the other walks away with a broken heart, and it’s all because sex is personal and we weren’t made to just do it repetitively with the same person over and over without developing anything more than a hard-on or ever so polite lady-boner. Feelings, man, they’ll get you.

Personally, I think “friends with benefits” is a label much more suited for two people in an actual relationship, you know, the kind where boy or girl doesn’t leave the next morning and is instead asking you what you want for breakfast before heading to your parents house, or something like that. You’re lustful at the right times, loving during the others, and when it all comes down to it, you really are the best of friends. In other words, when you get to be friends with benefits, I think that’s when the real fun begins. But how do you know if you’ve gotten to that point yet? Behold:

When after sex, you not only get your snuggle on, but you high five. *That was awesome, that thing you did.* And you aren’t afraid to tell them how you like it.

You have each other’s wardrobe memorized. “Yeah, I’m wearing that one t-shirt from my third drawer. Not the first, since you said it looked tacky.” “Oh, the blue one with the weird pocket?”

You have your go-to restaurants, temporary food obsessions, and lists of the best places to order Chinese take-out.

Weird/gross habits become strangely endearing. “Can you pop this?” “You’re sick, but okay.”

You don’t have to be talking 24/7 to know you’ve got a solid foundation. In fact, you’ve at one point or another made fun of overly dependent relationships. “She called him four times between dinner and the bar asking what he was doing.” “She’s like a baby koala with attachment issues.”

Your combined dance moves are impeccable/on fleek. Okay, I just wanted to use the phrase “on fleek.” You caught me.

You geek out together, and typically with a Netflix binge of anything ranging from Game of Thrones to that weird documentary you’d be embarrassed to tell anyone else about.

You legitimately want the best for them, regardless of what that means for you.

You make lists, lots of lists, of things you want to do together. All things of course range from totally serious to utterly ridiculous. “Want to go to Boston next weekend?” “Yeah, sure. Remember how I told you that you get free Chik-fil-A if you dress up like a cow? Because, let’s do it.”

You aren’t afraid to tell them like it is. “You’re complaining about something for the sake of complaining. You’re bigger than that. Put on your big boy/girl pants and relax.”

You go to them for advice. They get you.

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Relationships

Digital Infidelity

Let’s just jump right into this:

Are your back burners, whether on social media or in real life, making you a terrible person?

SOcialMediaBackburnerGetting involved with someone new, or even getting back together with someone from your past is a pretty exciting, yet ridiculously vulnerable time for most people. Each party sort of vies for the upper hand, being able to at the end of the day feel as if though no matter what, they are desired, and they are desired more than they desire the other person. (We are really f—– up, by the way). So when that overwhelming feeling of “I am really into this person/Hope it’s reciprocated/Am I imaging something that doesn’t exist?” hits you like a ton of bricks, you tend to set your temporary, almost meaningless sights on back burners. Back burners are either ex flames, people met in bars whose numbers you purposely didn’t lose, and/or the nightly pickings from the dating apps that are becoming less and less taboo. The commonality amongst all of these options, however, is that if worse comes to worse with your current partner, any one of these people could account as a Plan B.

You might be calling this shady, and you might be shaking your head saying “God Julia, that’s so wrong.” First of all, I’m not saying that I’m someone who’s messing around with this, though I understand where it comes from. Second of all, my purpose in writing this blog is to get the conversation going, talk things out, all while sounding moronic so that you don’t have to. So personally, I think we need to take a look into why we feel the need to sort of “employ” a back burner in the first place. Is it that we feel like we’re not getting something from our partners? Are we jaded from some failed past relationship? Or is it just what Jill’s doing so we should probably follow suit because Jill always comes out on top? F—–g Jill. She was also the first of the group to get a Prada bag.

I think we just enjoy having options. It could also stem directly from a self esteem issue that could have been the result of a failed relationship, but aren’t I always the first one to tell you that you have to let that shiz go? *Cue Idina Menzel* It’s nice to have options because we have room to mess up. If Plan A doesn’t work out, we don’t have to free fall into pints of ice cream and romantic comedies. All it takes is a quick and creepy Facebook message “Hey, you’re my favorite thing to look at when I’m pretending to be Googling investment tactics” and voila! Plan B, gainfully employed.

That’s how we imagine it will work out, at least. In reality, what it really does is cause a rift. You start to withhold trust from one another, walk on egg shells, relationship fails, and then you wonder why you feel like you constantly need a backup. I get that the thought of putting all our eggs in one basket seems terrifying, especially when put like that, but for the love of all things holy, at some point you have to just go full force. Otherwise, you will keep parading through these half a—d relationships in search of something that might just be right in front of you.

Most of us in living in the digital world find things out. It no longer takes the employment of the CIA to be savvy enough to figure out that a partner is attempting to turn up the heat somewhere else. Please don’t be stupid.

Here’s my advice: Either suck up that vulnerability because it’s all in your head, or if it’s something you know is happening for real (example: seeing it firsthand on Facebook), then put on your big boy/big girl pants and strut away.

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Relationships

“Am I… In a Relationship Right Now?”

DatingtwomanyIf there is one question  common to most college age and post grad daters, it is definitely whether or not one is actually in a relationship, like, right now. Back in high school, a relationship was pretty much inevitable after one sloppy date at a movie theatre and a night of hand holding. Then came in the question of, “Will you be my girlfriend?” We cut to the chase pretty quickly, if not instantaneously. It’s not like every 16 year old male really had a thing for Chasing Liberty. No, he took you to see that movie to get some tongue action and presents on his birthday. I mean, your personality was probably great, too.

Once college comes around though, dating gets trickier. I’m still deciding whether or not this is a millennial issue, or simply just a trend amongst college party animals. (I see you, Syracuse.) The definition of an actual date in these glory days typically fluctuates between pre-gaming together and getting fro-yo. As a freshman, the idea is still in the back of your head that someone somewhere is going to want to take you to dinner, split the tip with you out of politeness, and from then on you’ll be hanging out all the time and sooner or later introducing one another to roommates, friends, and family alike as “the boyfriend/girlfriend.” That mindset quickly shifts, though. You can’t help but notice the short lived romances and high school breakups happening amongst your friends. “There are so many more options, why commit to just one person?” Because then you find yourself wondering whether or not your occasional hookup is technically considered cheating on your steady hookup – you’ve never been on a date, but somehow, someone gets hurt.

These days, *bless you, post grad life* a lot of us find ourselves going out on dates – a lot of dates. And, we have modern day dating apps to thank for much of that success.

Technically, you can be getting dinner with Billy tonight, Joe tomorrow, and maybe brunch with Steven on Sunday. With no exchange of naked bodies after a heart to heart regarding a potential relationship, I’d say this is perfectly normal. The hard part is when you start to like someone, want to spend more time with them, and know perfectly well that they could be doing the same thing. Again, there is nothing wrong with it. Does it make knowing where the two of you stand a little difficult? Sure does.

You don’t want to give up seeing other people when you have no idea what the other person is doing, so you start to wonder if the “DTR” talk is needed. I feel like 95% of the time, defining the relationship unintentionally happens months after spending time together. It doesn’t even have to be anything you say out loud, but you start to realize it when the majority of that person’s free time is spent with you, and when it’s not, they’re asking when the next time you’re free is. This of course then leads into knowing when the appropriate time would be to start introducing one another as more than a friend. You’ve probably been there; you’re at a party, someone looks at your person quizzically and all you can muster up is, “This is my friend, blah blah blah.” SO uncomfortable. There is never a clear way to go about it, especially after not first having that talk.

In terms of there needing to be a specific number of dates that has to happen before you’re considered a “sign the card together” couple, it takes more than “a few here and there.” Once you’re meeting the people most important in your person’s life, attending events together, and perhaps playing Doctor, then I’d say it’s safe to bet that you are most certainly in a relationship.

My best advice would be not to rush. Keep your expectations low because in the best case scenario, you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Worst case, you didn’t have much invested anyway.

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Relationships

5 Things To Do Instead Of Texting Your Ex

Photo, via MODC

Photo, via MODC

Nothing says “text your ex” quite like the lonely, desperate, and/or inebriated mind. Just when you’re vulnerable enough due to the whole “transitioning into adulthood with a 9-5 and coming home to an empty apartment every day” thing, your brain is there to mentally f— you.

Brain: “Now is a good time to get in contact with the guy you friend-zoned all throughout senior year. He’s probably still around. Better send a quick note to the ex of four years, too.”

Nope, bad idea. Trust the decisions you made when you weren’t sitting at home on a Friday night, scrolling through your contacts list hoping to land on someone you may have either overlooked, or broken up with. The decision to overlook or break up with them was a good one. How do I know this? Because something told you it was the right thing to do when you had it all together. And you’ll get there again, you lonely Lucy, you. It just takes accepting the fact that you’re going to be uncomfortable for a while. You’re on track to doing big things, and that doesn’t come by regressing.

So when that moment of desperation arises, and you’re playing ‘thumb war’ with your send button, keep in mind these few things you can do instead of make a fool out of yourself.

1. MOST IMPORTANT: Cheesy, but it helps: make a list of the reasons you broke up. Sometimes things don’t ‘stick’ unless you either say them out loud or write them down. We tend to forgive or look past all of a person’s less than shiny moments when we find ourselves having only like, two people and a pizza from down the street to talk to.

2. Tinder – Did I just say “instead of make a fool out of yourself“? To be fair, meeting someone new is a much better idea than what you had planned. Clearly, you’re craving some kind of attention. You’re human, and it’s natural. While some might argue that being lonely is no reason to get involved with anyone new, I say, who needs involvement? You might look at Tinder as seriously as a relationship app, or as loosely as a booty call app. For this example, try seeing it strictly as a way to meet people. That way, you withhold expectations. It gets you out of the apartment, gives you something to look forward to, and gives you a better reason than texting your ex, to look at your phone. A free drink may or may not be included.

3. MeetUp.com – If meeting people who may be taking Tinder either more or less seriously than you are freaks you out, then try MeetUp. I mean, you’re wrestling with whether or not you should contact someone from your past, which makes me think that you’re bored to death in a new city. According to my super cool web analytic tools, that’s the majority of the Jules and Java audience. I;m sorry to call you out like that. MeetUp is a great networking tool for anyone new to an area looking to meet people, whether for professional or simply recreational reasons. You’ll find groups that range from “Physics nerds in D.C.” to “Bike Tours for Wine-Os”. There is something for everyone!

4. Schedule a Skype date with your old friends from college. That’s like, virtually face-to-face contact with another human!

5. Download the Dictionary app and search the definition of the word “insanity”.

Okay, I’m antsy. I’ll tell you what insanity means. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

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Relationships

10 Things to Never Say To A Girl

ROOFServing alcohol to the general public tells you a lot about the general public. You’re basically administering a truth serum to people you don’t know, uncovering one dirty truth at a time.

This past weekend, upon going about my duties as the friendliest bartender you’ve ever seen, I witnessed one fine gentleman(?) crash and burn, losing any and all rights to the room key of the girl he had met earlier that night, faster than it took me to finish pouring his drink.

Without getting into too much detail, I’m just going to highlight some of the things you should NEVER say to a woman.

Bonus points to whoever can correctly guess what this guy actually said.

1. Is that your debit card?

Let’s just put it this way: If I tell you that it is in fact my “Daddy’s” and you keep talking to me, then maybe you’re the one with a problem.

2. Why don’t you just stop being friends with her?

This can go both ways. In terms of day to day problems with your friends, never disclose. It’s the same thing with family. This only allows your beau to form judgments where you wouldn’t, and there is nothing sadder than knowing that because of your big mouth, your man/ladyfriend has an issue with your brother.

3. How are you still single?

Because I like coming home at night with a bag of fast food to share amongst my five cats.

4. Can you just let me know where I’m meeting you tonight? I’m kind of swamped.

Well then continue being swamped. Dick.

5. Relax.

Unless you’re prepared for two levels higher than what you’re dealing with, do not tell a girl to relax.

6. This is why women shouldn’t drive.

We’re constantly lied to about what constitutes as six-eight inches. So forgive us, please, for one small mistake in parking.

7. When did you last have sex?

All you should be worried about is whether or not you’re about to contract anything. Otherwise, keep your curiosity to yourself. You’ll get your answer sooner or later.

8. Want to hop into my PT Cruiser?

-______________________________-

no.

9. How does it take you so long to get ready?

I’m using $50 lipstick on you. You’re welcome.

10. I don’t really read

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AT LEAST LIE.

See you on eHarmony.

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Relationships

Reasons You Should Breakup

Okay, maybe you shouldn’t do anything drastic just yet. Have a little chat if anything here bothers you before you then consider any next steps. I think a lot of times we get too far ahead of ourselves in the chase that we forget about the things that really matter. Someone might look really good on paper, and they might check most things off the mental list you’ve got going on about the most desired qualities in a person, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they’re right for you.

(Photo, via iBizBook)

(Photo, via iBizBook)

1. I’m not really a phone person, but I know someone is worth pursuing when I can easily spend a good hour on the phone without realizing it. If you aren’t compatible with someone, you more than likely wouldn’t think to pick up the phone and have a lengthy conversation because you just don’t know what you would talk about. With that said, texting is your standard means of communication. “How’s your day been?” “Good n you?”

2. You find it easy to get aggravated because your person is on a whole different page when it comes to knowing how you’re feeling.

3. You don’t get along with each other’s friends/spend the majority of your time sitting at home binge-watching re-runs of TV shows as opposed to going out and being social as a couple.

4. For that matter, you haven’t quite figured out how to be social as a couple.

5. You find it easy to hold a grudge after fighting, and possess a lack of trust as a result. Hot and cold gets you nowhere. You’re either hot, warm, or steaming.

6. The past has to stay in the past. That means that any and all exes shouldn’t ever be topics of conversation, and they definitely shouldn’t be calling just to catch up. For the most part, when two people are done and moved on, they end means of communication both out of a strong disinterest and overall respect for a new partner.

7. You have to consistently drop hints of what it is you’re looking for, and you’re often let down. This can be anything from “Please clean up after yourself”, to “Why is it that we’ve been in a relationship for a year, and you still don’t know what I like in bed?”

8. You still feel the need to “check” their social media, from best friends on SnapChat to recent followings on Instagram.

9. You spend your time venting to your friends about shortcomings in the relationship.

10. You come home from a not so great day, and either they don’t know how to comfort you, or you just don’t want them to.

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