Rant

14 Things Keeping You Up at Night

  1. Netflix giving you less than fifteen seconds to decide whether or not the next episode is worth another lost hour of sleep.
  2. Thoughts about what it’d be like to hang out with the guy with the hair from the bar earlier. Next mental step: what is most recent ex up to?
  3. Ideas on quick ways to lose three pounds.
  4. Remembering that you forgot to walk the dog.
  5. Worrying about whether or not you’ll hear your alarm go off in eight hours.
  6. Quick freak out regarding student loans and next month’s rent.
  7. Not being able to find that “comfy spot” yet.
  8. Drunk dials from friends that managed to make it out tonight, despite the low temperates and very fact that House of Cards season 3 is now available online.
  9. The Starbucks you shouldn’t have stopped for three hours ago.
  10. Deciding that now is the perfect time to swipe left or right, given that no one’s around.
  11. Thinking about everything you have to do tomorrow. *Le Sigh*
  12. The Internet. Just, as a whole.
  13. “Am I hungry? Am I bored? Is that Fourth Meal I smell downstairs?”
  14. Overthinking essentially everything and creating problems in your head that don’t actually exist in real life.
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Rant

Unofficial Guide to Being a Woman

1. Top Coat. ALWAYS top coat.
2. Handwrite thank-you notes for anyone deserving of gratitude.
3. Never leave the house without twenty dollars, mascara, and ChapStick.
4. Moisturize!
5. Learn the basics of golf.
6. Never mistake politeness for flirting. And never mistake flirting for politeness.
7. Day-to-day full-faced makeup is unfair to your skin… as well as morning after guests.
8. As with the bathroom, it is OK to go to a movie alone.
9. Dead weight comes in the form of emotionally unavailable men. Hear me now, remember me later.
10. “If you have to cry, go outside.” — Kelly Cutrone
11. If you have to go cheap somewhere, don’t let that be with your bra or your watch.
12. Speaking of bras, repeat after me: “There is little I can’t do with a good bra and coffee.”
13. Personalized stationery is an at-home office staple.
14. Kitten heels are the mullet of footwear. Refrain, Grandma.
15. Victoria’s Secret anything is not meant to be worn during a public outing. Sweatpants are for the home. End of story.
16. Elle in the streets, Cosmo in the sheets.
17. Whether it’s to impress or to be a better skill-equipped traveler, learn to drive stick.
18. Knowing you like wine isn’t knowing about wine. Know about wine.
19. Keep better relationships with your siblings. If that means you’re the glue of the family, you’re the glue of the family.
20. “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have any books, don’t f*** them.” —John Waters
21. If you’re really interested, text first.
22. Never cancel dinner plans over text.
23. It doesn’t matter if it’s on for fifteen seconds or fifteen minutes—never mismatch lingerie.
24. What happened in college stays in the “do not go there unless with college friends” category of your brain.
25. Little. Black. Dress(es).
26. Keep your friends close and your enemies in high school.
27. A not-so-great guy will come along and you’ll need to know the difference between the first-date proposal of “Let’s get dinner” and “Want to come watch a movie?”
28. A really-so-great guy will also come along and will appreciate your judgment call ^.
29. If it seems too good to be true, taste. Do not eat.
30. Have a signature scent that doesn’t have “Bath and Body Works” slapped across the label.
31. Never show up to a party empty-handed.
32. There is a difference between “bossy” and “bitchy.”
33. Say “yes” to the date invitation you aren’t so sure about. You’re likely to be surprised, even if that only makes for a good story.
34. If you don’t have it in green, you don’t have it at all. Get yourself out of credit-card debt.
35. Don’t treat your love life like a resume.
36. If you’re cutting one thing out of your day due to not having enough time, let that be with ANYTHING but the gym. Your health comes first.
37. Don’t waste $35 lipstick on the guy who turns his phone over when you’re together.
38. “There is no polite way to get out of a taxi.” False.
39. Don’t listen to biased news reporting. Be an informed consumer. Respect the reporting that allows you to form your own opinion.
40. Experience is worth more than material gifts.

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Rant

Subway Grievances

Though faster than walking and cheaper than a cab, the subway proves each and every day to be the bane of my existence. Sometimes a girl just wants to hop in her car, turn on bad country and pretend she’s a Carrie Underwood/Faith Hill hybrid, loved and adored by millions. But when your morning commute to work consists of getting to and riding the subway, the smooth ride and country dream is far from attainable.

1. The Walk: There is nothing more irritating than a slow walker.

2. I lied ^. Multiply that slow walker by two, waddling side by side in anything that isn’t a straight line.

3. Why is it that the girl with the biggest, most cottage cheese looking back side has to plant her ass on either side of a poll? People have to hold onto that. You’re gross. Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 5.44.02 PM 4. If your backpack is the reason I can’t get inside the train on time…. I probably won’t do anything because I’m not on board. But know that I’m wishing death upon you and yours.

5. Getting sick is inevitable. I won’t hate you for coughing, I won’t hate you for sneezing. But if you’re breathing like an asshole, explode your schnoz into your hand and grab back onto the poll, you deserve it.

6. You might hate the guy asking everyone to move in because the middle section of the train is empty, but to be honest, I kind of love that guy. I get that guy.

7. Bed bugs. There are bed bugs on the 6 train. That is all.

8. Flirting. It’s just not cool if you’re my dad’s age, need a breath mint, and don’t know how to sit like a normal human being. But if you’re above six feet, have a job, and look like Liam Hemsworth, call me baby. Screen Shot 2014-12-29 at 5.23.16 PM 9. About a month ago, a very confused woman sat on my lap. THIS IS NEVER OKAY. Unless you’re old or pregnant, I’m just not getting up for you. Understand that, and don’t force a relationship with me that I’m just not ready for.

10. Strollers. About 10 times as annoying as oversized backpacks, with the addition of a kid that smells like poop.

11. The doors don’t close when you don’t fit on the subway. GET OFF AND TRY AGAIN.

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Rant

Things Ex-Accutane Users Will Understand

The first problem is that your bad skin is putting quite the damper on your self esteem.

JanBradyGIFYou’ve heard things like, “wash your face” or “just throw on some makeup.”

ChelseaHandlerGifBecause it’s not like you’ve tried every soap, topical, scrub, gel, mask there ever was.

NicholasCageGIFAnd anytime celebrities tell you they’re “just like you” and show their faces on Proactiv commercials, you’re all:

ElleWoodsGIFBut one day, you ask your doctor about Accutane, and suddenly you see the light.

WOWgifAnd Doc is all, “you must either be on two forms of birth control, or pledge to keep abstinent throughout the duration of your time on Accutane.

JaneGIFBut you agree, because: clear skin.

SASSThen your journey to sex appeal begins.

Crawying

You begin to hoard Aquaphor like it’s going out of style. Why? Because your lips, nose, and surrounding mouth area become dryer than your sex life.

camelsYou also have to get your blood drawn every month, which is a process you’ve mastered by immediately taking to water like:

cat water gifAnd sometimes, on a Tuesday night when nothing’s actually wrong, you experience all the emotions.

holdmegifUnless that reason is that your friends all want to go out drinking

notfairgifOr lay out.

portlandia-lily-whiteYou start bringing handfuls of tissue everywhere you go, out of fear of incessant nose bleeding. And every time it happens, your friends watch on like:

UNGHYour hair isn’t necessarily drier, but let’s just say that “greasy hair” is no longer one of your concerns. In fact, your hair is pretty much the best thing about you right now.

doghairBut when that day comes, and you’ve done your time, you wake up like this:

Beyonceee

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Coffee, Rant

10 Things Starbucks Addicts Can Relate To

Really, how sick of my coffee posts are you? I get it. Most of what I post in Jules and Java is like, dreadfully basic. But that’s kind of what you signed up for when you clicked on a blog with subject heads that read “Sex, Relationships, and Coffee.” Why I didn’t just name this thing “Sex and Coffee” is beyond me, but “Jules and Java” has more of that flow avid bloggers tell you to create. At least, I think it does.

Anyway, if you’re anything like me, and can’t go a day or two without your green straw fix, this post is for you.

1. Manicure, pedicure, glass of wine, sex, Starbucks coffee. It’s all relative. Having a bad day? Pick up a cold one.

2. At some point, you’ve wondered whether or not there is there an award of some sort, or at least a bullet point you can add to your resume for how quickly it is you can down a Venti iced drink. Because that s— is impressive.

3. Long lines never intimidate you too terribly. You’ve grown confident in your barista’s ability to get you where you need to be on time, with the right drink.

4. You have a hard time committing to most things that aren’t caffeinated and lack essential nourishment, and your Starbucks Gold Card is there to constantly remind you of that. “Congratulations, you’ve been a member for two years. That’s longer than any relationship you’ve had with a human!”

5. You’re more aware of the actual ingredients in whatever seasonal drink you decide to put in your body, but possible carcinogens or not, you can’t be bothered. Bring it, Pumpkin Spice.

6. Your bank statement indicates that you’ve contributed to the “Starbucks isn’t poor but keep funding” fund at least every day this week.

7. You’re an intimate action away from actually being in a relationship with your barista. They know your name, they know what you like, they know what ails you on Mondays.. it’s modern love.

8. Your Dunkin friends call you snobby, ignorant, etc. and you’d get offended if you weren’t already aware that they’re just making up for their own shortcomings. You can’t help that you have good taste. Gawd.

9. When a customer ahead of you pronounces one of the sizes wrong, you can’t help but feel a little agitated. “Grahn-day, not Grand, idiot.”

10. Any and all CDs you’ve purchased since 2009 have been the ones you’ve graced upon entering the front of the line at Starbucks. It’s always the bands “good enough to actually purchase their album”, in your humble opinion.

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Rant

Tales of a NYC Couch Surfer

Photo, via BrianThacker

Photo, via BrianThacker

Borough to borough, couch to couch, this story is almost a rite of passage for any and all making the transition from small town to big city. I know, I know, it’s nothing new and you’ve heard it before. Upon my telling of the plans I had to become a sort of nomad to friends and family, I received a lot of concerned, confused, and utterly annoyed looks. “You’re not going to survive, you know that.”

Here’s the deal: you can survive, 100% cardboard-box-house prototype-free with a little bit of savings, a lot a bit of local friends, and budgeting skills that would make Susie Orman blush. But you’re doing it for all the right reasons. You’re in search of a job, you want a challenge, the city inspires you, and you’ve decided it’s a far better idea than taking up the weirdo on Craigslist offering free rent for a “submissive girl in need.”

Aside from our goals, there are a few things we couch surfers tend to have in common, from a handful of different sets of keys to multiple luggage in different places.

See if you can relate to any of these. If you have anything you’d like to add to this list, feel free.

1. The handful of different sets of keys. Some might mistake you for a janitor. Wait, that’s a stable job, right? How much do janitors make?

2. Your shoes are in Brooklyn. Your blazer is in Manhattan. You’re unsure on the exact whereabouts of your portfolio, but you’re pretty sure you left it somewhere between the Metro North and whatever subway line you picked up from Grand Central.

3. You’ve definitely Googled “Starbucks with a bathroom” or “Starbucks with an outlet” running from interview to interview.

4. The thought of a public bathroom once repulsed you, but finding one these days whether just to pee or to do a quick costume change/wiping of the excessive polution and oil off your face, is like discovering Oz.

5. You have at least three or four times this month been THAT asshole on public transportation lugging over-sized luggage that not even the conductor wants to help you with. And that family of four that should have the right of way with those four seats all facing each other? You somehow justify that your family of four bags take precedence.

6. Your schedule isn’t exactly set, and that both excites you and terrifies you all that the same time. “Where are you staying next week?” “Oh my god, I don’t even know.”

7. The back of your heels… are ridiculous. #heelsarenotyourfriend

8. You’ve discovered that in New York, you don’t need any of those fad diets that require swanky blenders or gym memberships. Rather, you’ve come to terms with the couch surfer diet of hardly having enough money for groceries, and walking anywhere and everywhere to avoid screwing up the subway.

9. You have at least five people at home taking bets on how long it will be before you pack up and come home.

10. You’re constantly stopped by street marketers, falling for each and every “free handout” until you find out that the bag of makeup just thrown into your hands “can be yours for just $20 as opposed to list price.”

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Rant

Birthday Emotions and Feels

In terms of milestones, 23 means nothing. The real milestone birthday isn’t for another two years, and I can’t imagine it being a milestone for any reason other than being the one in which I’m supposed to experience the quarter life crisis. Oh, the dreaded quarter life crisis. “Lucky” for me though, that’s already happened, and if you’ve graduated from college without a job, you definitely know what I’m talking about. This is the part where I’d normally bash Taylor Swift for writing a song about how “wonderful” 22 is, but she kind of had it right when she said “It’s miserable and magical.”

Though much of the year was spent in transition and I did a lot of eating, crying, and avoiding of Facebook like the plague, I can’t forget the moments that made it all worth it. So thank you, terrifying free-fall out of college. Without you, none of this would have been possible.

  • I’ve now lived in the South and the North, from NY to NC where I made long-lasting friendships and learned a thing or two about football, Jesus and sweet tea. Yes, I lived in Raleigh as a kid, but I hardly remember it.
  • I learned the art of bartending, and that nothing good happens past 1am.
  • I got to travel to the West Coast for the first time, checking “bike ride in Napa” off the bucket list.
  • Though I didn’t have a job for a while, what I did have was enough time on my hands to be published in ten of my favorite, go-to online publications.
  • I had the opportunity to interview for my dream job, and although I didn’t walk away with it, making it as far as I did in the interview process is enough for me to feel proud and to keep striving.
  • For the first time since I was ten, I got to travel to NYC, where I fell in love enough to make the move and start my career in the city that never sleeps!
  • I learned that comparison is the ultimate killjoy, and the best way to avoid getting caught in the trap is to avoid social media. No one posts the bad things, only the out-of-this-world.
  • Saw first hand the ultimate value in surrounding myself with good people. Cafe girls, this means you. This time around has been the most chaotic and frustrating in terms of dinosaurs of all shapes and sizes. Thanking each one of you for your infectious sense of humor, down-to-Earth nature, and overall wonderfulness.
  • Got myself back down to pre-college weight. They weren’t kidding when they said college will make you fat. No thank you, Keystone.
  • Learned the ins and outs, ups and down of the job hunt. It’s a job in itself, and it will make you feel anywhere from wanted to worthless within the same week.
  • Learned that no matter how far apart we are, or how little we might talk during the week, the friendships across cities, states and countries are some of my strongest.

Ultimately, I’ve come to the conclusion that you just don’t learn the good lessons unless you experience some kind of transition.

Growth is a choice. Nothing great ever came from a comfort zone.

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