My Secret to Starbucks

Screen Shot 2015-02-26 at 9.20.35 PM

These two drinks hold exactly the same contents, but as you can see, one is $1.08 less than the other, and because I just LOVE sharing my undeniable wisdom with the masses, I’m going to tell you why.

To start, Starbucks isn’t that smart. Okay, maybe they are seeing as how successful they are. But when it comes to their ordering style, aside from it being borderline impossible for the average joe to just walk up and order a small black coffee, there are a few loop holes in the system.

Both drinks pictured above are iced lattes, and a plain one from Starbucks consists of nothing more than shots of espresso, ice and milk. So you can say you want a latte, which comes to about $4, or you can pay a dollar less by asking for a shot or two of espresso, and asking the barista to add your choice in milk. They can’t say no, otherwise the ice will melt. But, if they don’t fill it to the top, do it yourself at the condiment bar. It’s that simple.

Coffee, Rant

10 Things Starbucks Addicts Can Relate To

Really, how sick of my coffee posts are you? I get it. Most of what I post in Jules and Java is like, dreadfully basic. But that’s kind of what you signed up for when you clicked on a blog with subject heads that read “Sex, Relationships, and Coffee.” Why I didn’t just name this thing “Sex and Coffee” is beyond me, but “Jules and Java” has more of that flow avid bloggers tell you to create. At least, I think it does.

Anyway, if you’re anything like me, and can’t go a day or two without your green straw fix, this post is for you.

1. Manicure, pedicure, glass of wine, sex, Starbucks coffee. It’s all relative. Having a bad day? Pick up a cold one.

2. At some point, you’ve wondered whether or not there is there an award of some sort, or at least a bullet point you can add to your resume for how quickly it is you can down a Venti iced drink. Because that s— is impressive.

3. Long lines never intimidate you too terribly. You’ve grown confident in your barista’s ability to get you where you need to be on time, with the right drink.

4. You have a hard time committing to most things that aren’t caffeinated and lack essential nourishment, and your Starbucks Gold Card is there to constantly remind you of that. “Congratulations, you’ve been a member for two years. That’s longer than any relationship you’ve had with a human!”

5. You’re more aware of the actual ingredients in whatever seasonal drink you decide to put in your body, but possible carcinogens or not, you can’t be bothered. Bring it, Pumpkin Spice.

6. Your bank statement indicates that you’ve contributed to the “Starbucks isn’t poor but keep funding” fund at least every day this week.

7. You’re an intimate action away from actually being in a relationship with your barista. They know your name, they know what you like, they know what ails you on Mondays.. it’s modern love.

8. Your Dunkin friends call you snobby, ignorant, etc. and you’d get offended if you weren’t already aware that they’re just making up for their own shortcomings. You can’t help that you have good taste. Gawd.

9. When a customer ahead of you pronounces one of the sizes wrong, you can’t help but feel a little agitated. “Grahn-day, not Grand, idiot.”

10. Any and all CDs you’ve purchased since 2009 have been the ones you’ve graced upon entering the front of the line at Starbucks. It’s always the bands “good enough to actually purchase their album”, in your humble opinion.


How to Piss Off a Barista


Photo, via TheThrill

When you open the door, you’re welcomed with a cool jazz number, the overwhelming aroma of the daily brew, and the enticement of little french pastries that cost close to minimum wage. Ah, Starbucks.

I spent six years calling out names, multi-tasking drink orders, donning the green apron, and being considered “stupid in three different languages.” (Thank you, everyone who finds that joke to be original.) My time with the company was nothing short of rewarding, as I was able to make solid friendships and learn the ins and outs of quality customer service.

Customer Service:

I would love nothing more than for you to walk out of here with the perfect drink. It is my job to get your order right, after all. However, do kindly understand that a blended beverage is blended. That means, it is made with ice. Therefore, your search for a hot coffee shouldn’t have made it past the second menu board.

If you’re biggest complaint today is that you’ve had to wait in line for longer than five minutes, for the love of all things hot and caffeinated, HAVE YOUR ORDER READY. Not having an order ready is what is keeping you here longer, so why keep the vicious cycle turning? On that note, you should also have your form of payment handy. If you come up to the counter and go through your e-mails before presenting me with your electronic gift card, chances are I’m not going to smile at you – and you can keep your tip.

That said, I AM A HUMAN and I don’t ask for much, just the understanding that your face-to-face interactions come before that of what’s on the other end of your phone. You want my coffee? I want you to hang up and order your coffee like a man/woman/whatever you are. (We serve dogs, too! Ask about the Puppaccino)

“That’s a little pricey for coffee, don’t you think?” As if I made the rules, and said “Please, pay me with your first born in exchange for my Vanilla Bean Frappuccino.” If you’re really that bothered by it, I mean with all due respect, you’re the one paying for it. It’s jerks like you that just enjoy getting a rise out of us lowly folk behind the registers.

When you make a mess, you clean it up. A dribble of half and half shouldn’t be left for me because I’m the one with the apron. While my job is to clean up and ensure an orderly and tip-top shaped cafe area, it isn’t my job to babysit adults who let their manners disappear because they think it’s now someone else’s responsibility. I’m not asking you to mop up after an accidental spill. But really, there’s a napkin right next to the cream. Just wipe it?

“Why don’t you have anymore outlets?” Because I told the electrician, specifically, that I don’t like you and want to make your life miserable. Anymore brain busters?

If I’ve gotten your name wrong, I am not illiterate and I am not deaf. Do take into consideration that this place is loud, you might be speaking softly, and not everyone spells their name the same. I can get anything from Dianna to Diana to Diahnna all within twenty minutes of each other. So forgive me, Diyana, for “getting your name wrong.” #starbucksfail #worstbaristaever

I have to go there…

The reason your Caramel Macchiato is two different colors is because it is layered. The espresso shot sits on top, the milk and vanilla on the bottom. Yes, the only thing making a caramel macchiato “caramelly” is the drizzle on top. Otherwise, it’s simply a Vanilla Latte. Mind blown? If you want it mixed, asked for it upside down. Otherwise, save me the time of layering.