Rant

Unofficial Guide to Being a Woman

1. Top Coat. ALWAYS top coat.
2. Handwrite thank-you notes for anyone deserving of gratitude.
3. Never leave the house without twenty dollars, mascara, and ChapStick.
4. Moisturize!
5. Learn the basics of golf.
6. Never mistake politeness for flirting. And never mistake flirting for politeness.
7. Day-to-day full-faced makeup is unfair to your skin… as well as morning after guests.
8. As with the bathroom, it is OK to go to a movie alone.
9. Dead weight comes in the form of emotionally unavailable men. Hear me now, remember me later.
10. “If you have to cry, go outside.” — Kelly Cutrone
11. If you have to go cheap somewhere, don’t let that be with your bra or your watch.
12. Speaking of bras, repeat after me: “There is little I can’t do with a good bra and coffee.”
13. Personalized stationery is an at-home office staple.
14. Kitten heels are the mullet of footwear. Refrain, Grandma.
15. Victoria’s Secret anything is not meant to be worn during a public outing. Sweatpants are for the home. End of story.
16. Elle in the streets, Cosmo in the sheets.
17. Whether it’s to impress or to be a better skill-equipped traveler, learn to drive stick.
18. Knowing you like wine isn’t knowing about wine. Know about wine.
19. Keep better relationships with your siblings. If that means you’re the glue of the family, you’re the glue of the family.
20. “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have any books, don’t f*** them.” —John Waters
21. If you’re really interested, text first.
22. Never cancel dinner plans over text.
23. It doesn’t matter if it’s on for fifteen seconds or fifteen minutes—never mismatch lingerie.
24. What happened in college stays in the “do not go there unless with college friends” category of your brain.
25. Little. Black. Dress(es).
26. Keep your friends close and your enemies in high school.
27. A not-so-great guy will come along and you’ll need to know the difference between the first-date proposal of “Let’s get dinner” and “Want to come watch a movie?”
28. A really-so-great guy will also come along and will appreciate your judgment call ^.
29. If it seems too good to be true, taste. Do not eat.
30. Have a signature scent that doesn’t have “Bath and Body Works” slapped across the label.
31. Never show up to a party empty-handed.
32. There is a difference between “bossy” and “bitchy.”
33. Say “yes” to the date invitation you aren’t so sure about. You’re likely to be surprised, even if that only makes for a good story.
34. If you don’t have it in green, you don’t have it at all. Get yourself out of credit-card debt.
35. Don’t treat your love life like a resume.
36. If you’re cutting one thing out of your day due to not having enough time, let that be with ANYTHING but the gym. Your health comes first.
37. Don’t waste $35 lipstick on the guy who turns his phone over when you’re together.
38. “There is no polite way to get out of a taxi.” False.
39. Don’t listen to biased news reporting. Be an informed consumer. Respect the reporting that allows you to form your own opinion.
40. Experience is worth more than material gifts.

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