Though faster than walking and cheaper than a cab, the subway proves each and every day to be the bane of my existence. Sometimes a girl just wants to hop in her car, turn on bad country and pretend she’s a Carrie Underwood/Faith Hill hybrid, loved and adored by millions. But when your morning commute to work consists of getting to and riding the subway, the smooth ride and country dream is far from attainable.
1. The Walk: There is nothing more irritating than a slow walker.
2. I lied ^. Multiply that slow walker by two, waddling side by side in anything that isn’t a straight line.
3. Why is it that the girl with the biggest, most cottage cheese looking back side has to plant her ass on either side of a poll? People have to hold onto that. You’re gross. 4. If your backpack is the reason I can’t get inside the train on time…. I probably won’t do anything because I’m not on board. But know that I’m wishing death upon you and yours.
5. Getting sick is inevitable. I won’t hate you for coughing, I won’t hate you for sneezing. But if you’re breathing like an asshole, explode your schnoz into your hand and grab back onto the poll, you deserve it.
6. You might hate the guy asking everyone to move in because the middle section of the train is empty, but to be honest, I kind of love that guy. I get that guy.
7. Bed bugs. There are bed bugs on the 6 train. That is all.
8. Flirting. It’s just not cool if you’re my dad’s age, need a breath mint, and don’t know how to sit like a normal human being. But if you’re above six feet, have a job, and look like Liam Hemsworth, call me baby. 9. About a month ago, a very confused woman sat on my lap. THIS IS NEVER OKAY. Unless you’re old or pregnant, I’m just not getting up for you. Understand that, and don’t force a relationship with me that I’m just not ready for.
10. Strollers. About 10 times as annoying as oversized backpacks, with the addition of a kid that smells like poop.
11. The doors don’t close when you don’t fit on the subway. GET OFF AND TRY AGAIN.