Why I Can’t Diet

Junior year of college, I worked at Victoria’s Secret. I thought, HOW COOL it would be to work at one of my favorite stores, selling lingerie and getting that sweet discount for myself and the no-boyfriend I had throughout the year. *crickets* It was a great gig through which I made great friends, but there was one common frenemy amongst us all: the Angels. Yeah, you work it Behati. And Adriana, my girl: it doesn’t matter if your mate requires an engineering degree to take that contraption I’m supposed to know more about, off. He’s going to do it anyway! Why? Because you’re all ungodly gorgeous. So gorgeous, that my constantly having to walk past you from Bra Room 1 to Bra Room 3 is reason enough to purposely avoid the #3 special at Star Buffet on my lunch break. (Chinese, if you haven’t guessed).

Which sucked, by the way. I love MSG.

Anyway, I lost a lot of weight that year. And before you lose your shit and tell me I’m beautiful the way I am and shouldn’t compare myself to the likes of Victoria’s Secret Angels, I’m saying that they simply acted as catalysts for a healthier (much healthier) lifestyle. I sought after a nutritionist, improved my work out, fed the work out, and noticed major positive changes happening what seemed like all at once.

But all that was before I discovered the following:

1. Chipotle.

2. That one does not simply walk into Whole Foods/Trader Joe’s without dropping last week’s paycheck.

3. Pumpkin Spice Latte: It’s back, and it’s earlier than ever. Knock-off natural pumpkin flavor is kind of what I’m living for these days.

4. I have a personal vendetta against all that is gluten-free. Suddenly everyone and their mother is allergic, can’t even define what gluten actually is, and I’m the one getting funny looks because I’m ordering pasta sans health buzzwords? Please.

5. That according to my doctor, I’m terribly underweight and should do my best to gain some more. *April Fool’s*

6. Taco Bell breakfast is actually delicious. Judge me or join me.

7. The Ramen Burger (recipe to follow)

8. Essentially this is all because I live in New York City and can’t walk down a block without running into at least three foodie establishments.


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