This past weekend, upon going about my duties as the friendliest bartender you’ve ever seen, I witnessed one fine gentleman(?) crash and burn, losing any and all rights to the room key of the girl he had met earlier that night, faster than it took me to finish pouring his drink.
Without getting into too much detail, I’m just going to highlight some of the things you should NEVER say to a woman.
Bonus points to whoever can correctly guess what this guy actually said.
1. Is that your debit card?
Let’s just put it this way: If I tell you that it is in fact my “Daddy’s” and you keep talking to me, then maybe you’re the one with a problem.
2. Why don’t you just stop being friends with her?
This can go both ways. In terms of day to day problems with your friends, never disclose. It’s the same thing with family. This only allows your beau to form judgments where you wouldn’t, and there is nothing sadder than knowing that because of your big mouth, your man/ladyfriend has an issue with your brother.
3. How are you still single?
Because I like coming home at night with a bag of fast food to share amongst my five cats.
4. Can you just let me know where I’m meeting you tonight? I’m kind of swamped.
Well then continue being swamped. Dick.
Unless you’re prepared for two levels higher than what you’re dealing with, do not tell a girl to relax.
6. This is why women shouldn’t drive.
We’re constantly lied to about what constitutes as six-eight inches. So forgive us, please, for one small mistake in parking.
7. When did you last have sex?
All you should be worried about is whether or not you’re about to contract anything. Otherwise, keep your curiosity to yourself. You’ll get your answer sooner or later.
8. Want to hop into my PT Cruiser?
9. How does it take you so long to get ready?
I’m using $50 lipstick on you. You’re welcome.
10. I don’t really read
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, AT LEAST LIE.
See you on eHarmony.