Coffee

How to Piss Off a Barista

starbucks-coffee-barista

Photo, via TheThrill

When you open the door, you’re welcomed with a cool jazz number, the overwhelming aroma of the daily brew, and the enticement of little french pastries that cost close to minimum wage. Ah, Starbucks.

I spent six years calling out names, multi-tasking drink orders, donning the green apron, and being considered “stupid in three different languages.” (Thank you, everyone who finds that joke to be original.) My time with the company was nothing short of rewarding, as I was able to make solid friendships and learn the ins and outs of quality customer service.

Customer Service:

I would love nothing more than for you to walk out of here with the perfect drink. It is my job to get your order right, after all. However, do kindly understand that a blended beverage is blended. That means, it is made with ice. Therefore, your search for a hot coffee shouldn’t have made it past the second menu board.

If you’re biggest complaint today is that you’ve had to wait in line for longer than five minutes, for the love of all things hot and caffeinated, HAVE YOUR ORDER READY. Not having an order ready is what is keeping you here longer, so why keep the vicious cycle turning? On that note, you should also have your form of payment handy. If you come up to the counter and go through your e-mails before presenting me with your electronic gift card, chances are I’m not going to smile at you – and you can keep your tip.

That said, I AM A HUMAN and I don’t ask for much, just the understanding that your face-to-face interactions come before that of what’s on the other end of your phone. You want my coffee? I want you to hang up and order your coffee like a man/woman/whatever you are. (We serve dogs, too! Ask about the Puppaccino)

“That’s a little pricey for coffee, don’t you think?” As if I made the rules, and said “Please, pay me with your first born in exchange for my Vanilla Bean Frappuccino.” If you’re really that bothered by it, I mean with all due respect, you’re the one paying for it. It’s jerks like you that just enjoy getting a rise out of us lowly folk behind the registers.

When you make a mess, you clean it up. A dribble of half and half shouldn’t be left for me because I’m the one with the apron. While my job is to clean up and ensure an orderly and tip-top shaped cafe area, it isn’t my job to babysit adults who let their manners disappear because they think it’s now someone else’s responsibility. I’m not asking you to mop up after an accidental spill. But really, there’s a napkin right next to the cream. Just wipe it?

“Why don’t you have anymore outlets?” Because I told the electrician, specifically, that I don’t like you and want to make your life miserable. Anymore brain busters?

If I’ve gotten your name wrong, I am not illiterate and I am not deaf. Do take into consideration that this place is loud, you might be speaking softly, and not everyone spells their name the same. I can get anything from Dianna to Diana to Diahnna all within twenty minutes of each other. So forgive me, Diyana, for “getting your name wrong.” #starbucksfail #worstbaristaever

I have to go there…

The reason your Caramel Macchiato is two different colors is because it is layered. The espresso shot sits on top, the milk and vanilla on the bottom. Yes, the only thing making a caramel macchiato “caramelly” is the drizzle on top. Otherwise, it’s simply a Vanilla Latte. Mind blown? If you want it mixed, asked for it upside down. Otherwise, save me the time of layering.

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